Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Oh. Kay.

I am pregnant. Didn't go to that party because I was feeling too sick.

I'm happy about being pregnant...I think. I mean, we wanted our kids three years apart, and this new little one is going to arrive a few months before Sam turns 3.

No, I know I'm happy about being pregnant, but I really don't feel happy. I feel exhausted and queasy and fat and scared. Very scared. Terrified.

My son is a handful. He's active and demanding and he's very stubborn. He refuses to talk, even though he can, so trying to figure out what he wants is difficult. Seriously, it will take this kid fifteen minutes of him whining and tugging on the door of the fridge to finally yell "JUICE!". Even though we know that may be what he wants, we won't give it to him unless he says it (or if he says "please" or "yes" when we ask him). We're trying to get him to use the words he already knows, and he isn't going to do that if we respond only to his nasal whining.

So, I have a two year old who won't speak and takes up the majority of my energy and I'm careless enough to get pregnant again? What the hell is wrong with me? How the hell am I supposed to do this? How come I forgot how much being pregnant sucked the first time? Did I forget that I was in labor for TWENTY THREE HOURS?

There are so many good things, but I spent all day feeling sleepy and am now wide awake. I can't think of anything.

Friday, February 08, 2008

She doesn't want you to solve her problems, she just wants you to listen.

He's tired and grumpy and refuses to nap.

My self esteem is really low because I went to McDonalds on the way home from a friend's house and I'm trying to lose ten pounds, so I shouldn't have gone to McDonalds.

My friend is totally non judgemental, but she has an excellently behaved one year old daughter who shares well and talks perfectly and my son whined when she wanted to play with his Thomas train and kept taking her pacifier even though he doesn't like them, and kept trying to turn their TV on and off and finally flopped into my lap and frowned for the last 15 minutes of our visit while the one year old adorably ate all of her peaches and held up her hands in a precious "all done" gesture when she had finished.

My house is messy, yet for the half an hour...fuck it...the hour that I let my son hang out in his crib I just read a magazine and lay on the couch like a hideous beached whale.

My period hasn't arrived, but I am PMSing like a madwoman and I'm afraid that if it doesn't come it means I'm pregnant, and I would like to be pregnant next month not right now because a week from today I am going to a party at a cool Boston club and I want to wear something sexy and drink.

I can't stop yawning.

I haven't worked on the Evie illustrations since Sunday. I know I have until March, but I'm terrified that this is going to be a pattern.

My libido has plummeted. I hate it when that happens. I think it's worse that being horny and frustrated, because as least then I have my vibrator, but nothing is working and WORST of all my husband doesn't feel well so he doesn't seem to care and

I'm going to go watch Backyardigans and snuggle with my son.

He did give the one year old a big grin and a hug when he met her, though. It was pretty cute, especially since, standing up her head barely reaches his shoulder. It was more like a head hug.